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I made only one request, which was that he not be too thin. is fat, but I am, or have been, and body image is a major problem for me.I didn’t want to feel more self-conscious than I was going to anyway. was a lot more conversational than physical, I was beyond nervous in the beginning.He seemed to take it in stride, but I felt awful, like I’d crossed a line. SPT includes a report from the surrogate about every session, which my talk therapist read to me in between sessions. He also met with her after every single session we had together. It turned out he’d enjoyed our discussion at the beach.In fact, he said it had been our best date up to that point.It took me years of “regular” therapy before I was even willing to consider it.But I was ready to admit defeat and face my problems.I had tried online dating; clearly any woman can get laid if she really wants to. It was more like something I was proving to myself. I needed a fundamental change in my character or attitude. I told a small circle of friends, mostly women but also a couple of their husbands.I felt like I was constantly lying, pretending to be someone I’m not. They encouraged me, though a few were shocked at first.
The more I got to know S., the more preoccupied I became with this whole relationship being fake. But at the end of each date, we both went back to our “real” lives. saw I was having a hard time trusting the process, he tried to comfort me.But I am accustomed to lying to men about my predicament and in this case he already knew about it, so all the energy I usually devoted to insincerity became a welcome, available resource. The opportunity to speak honestly and openly with S. We went into the water for a while and then hung out drinking cold beers he brought, ending up in an intense discussion about the meaning of intimacy. has had numerous sexual partners – he wouldn’t tell me how many, but I’m pretty sure he’s in the triple digits.So I shot off a statement about it not being intimacy if he can experience it with so many women. I became anxious about the whole thing in the following days.I make the most of my situation by traveling and investing in various forms of personal growth.But these habits have built a shield around me over the years, and this shield was suffocating me.